Why is it when we pick our noses in our cars, we pretend no one can see us?
Trust Me!
HepMan and More!
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A hole in one!
Contagious humor
DUH!
Doesn't include "Penis Erectus"
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1. Tell the patient nothing at the initial visit.
The less he knows, the worse his malpractice
case could be.
2. Never give enough of a local. The more
pain involved, the more he will want to just
forget the whole episode.
3. No narcotics! Especially from your personal
stash.
4. Be sure and wear rubber gloves. Infection
of HCV can turn your skin blue, your eyes
yellow and result in your OWN terrible biopsy.
5. Show kindness ONLY when a lawyer is
mentioned.
6.Refer to the biopsy syringe as "The Spear".
Select the correct length of spear by
"Eenie, Meenie . . .�
7. Determine the exact area of the liver by
refering to the centerfold of the month.
8. Turn away from patient, take 10 steps, turn
again and throw the spear. Be sure and yell
"FORE!".
9. While the patient is unconscious from the pain,
go through his pockets and make a quick pass
at his wife. Invite her to golf. If the patient is a
woman, then clear the room and ...
well, you know.
10. After the proceedure, the patient while whine
from the pain, as they always do. Tell him to take
lots of Tylenol and bourbon. This will insure job
security. No narcotics, unless the patient has a
history of drug abuse. These losers never stand
up in court.
11. Send all of the specimens of colon, gall
bladder, spleen, etc. to the lab ASAP
(you probably have a golf date with his wife).
12. When the results for the specimens come
back negative because they are not of the liver,
inform your patient you need to have the
proceedure done again. Warn the patient not to
move this time. Those Lexus payments just
keep coming.
13. If the patient threatens to sue, prescribe him
arsenic. Remember, these people probably
derserve to die anyway.
Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
Players should confirm tee-times, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning any foliage around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course several times in one day.
The course owner will be the solo judge of who is the best player.
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it.
Unfortunately, the area is permanently diabled.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80 MB and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack --- once if by
LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your systems, just
before the whole damn thing quits!
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: At would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and
then disappears. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child
process without joining a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputer, butt ewe
just cant figyour it out.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obesessed with its own
motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for more
money.
GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PCs infected will lose 38 % of their date 14%
of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 % margin of error)
ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs,
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
What's a man idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysisi a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
How do men define a "50-50" relationship?
We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they
need dough.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least women
will ask for the directions.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man
of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything!
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know -- it's never happened.
1. Artery
The study of paintings.
2. Barium
What Doctors do when a patient dies.
3. Caesarian Section
A neighborhood in Rome.
4. Cauterize
Made eye contact with her
5. Colic
A sheep dog
6. D & C
Where Washington Lives.
7. Dilate
To live long.
8. Enema
Not a friend.
9. Fibula
A small lie.
10. Genital
Not a Jew.
11. G.I. Series
Military ball game.
12. Impotent
Distinguished, well known.
13. Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work.
14. Morbid
A higher offer.
15. Nitrates
Cheaper than day rates.
16. Node
Was aware of.
17. Outpatient
A person who has fainted.
18. Pap smear
Fatherhood test.
19. Post-operative
Letter Carrier.
20. Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery.
21. Seizure
Roman Emperor.
22. Tablet
A small table.
23. Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport.
24. Urine
Opposite of "Your out"
Paul
Good crowd, good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd.
I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape. you know.
Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle
fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him
stealing pens.
When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father.. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could..
but he pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only
liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his
wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a
pyramid in every room.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a
piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.
He was in the electric chair.
I went to a phreak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents. I said to him.."Do you think we'll ever
find them." He said.."I don't know kid.. there are so many
places they can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a
window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me.
He said.."On your mark..."
On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me.
Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off!
Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me
candy.
When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a
picture of me.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library.
I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.
He felt up my wife!
It's tough to stay married.
My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she
won't drink from my glass!
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with
an axe!
For two hours..some guy followed me around with a pooper
scooper.
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!
This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the
Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly
from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York.
I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?"
He told me.."That is why we give you 21 days."
Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii.
No days.. just nights.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutly
no good.
They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do?
Jerk him off too?
At christmas time I sat on santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a
present he gave me!
My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.
Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch
herself laugh.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said.."Why should I..
you never put out for me."
I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said.."No.. one drag is
enough."
I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude, but I
didn't see the mouse trap.
A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over there's nobody home." I went
over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to message parlor. It was self service.
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said.."Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate myself
now."
She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms.
She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that...
- She got on the scale and a card came out saying.. "One at a time."
- Her bath tub has stretch marks.
-Her belly button makes an echo.
-She has her own postal code.
-She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS"
bra.
- She has a dress with a sign on the back saying.. "Caution wide load."
-Her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
-When guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
-One day I ran into her with my car.
-She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think
I had enough gas.
-Her bikini is made out of two bed bed sheets.
- When guys eat her out they ask for provisions for the trip.
-Her mother ripped when she had her.
-She uses a septic tank for a toilet.
She was so ugly that...
-She was known as a two bagger.
-... you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
-I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.
-I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
-They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
-I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
-She looks like she came second in a hatchet fight!
-The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had
a hook on the end of it.
-She has a face like a saint. A saint bernard!
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The
bartender asked me. "What'll you have?" I said.."surprise me."
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she
called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her
boyfriend.
One day, as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy.."Hey buddy, why are you doing that for?"
He said.. "Because you came home early."
I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
Once in a restuarant I made a toast to her.."The best woman a man ever
had." The waiter joined me.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning. Put on a shirt and a button fell
off. I picked up my breifcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go
to the bathroom!
I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem...I don't know
who to thank!
My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette.
We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.
I went to see my doctor.. you know him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba?
Yeah..I told him once.. "Doctor.. every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?"
He said.."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have
a few drinks and get some rest.
I told him I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown
necktie.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms.
Why every time he smokes..he blows onion rings.
My physchiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.." If you don't mind
I'd like a second opion. "He said.."Alright..you're ugly too."
I was so ugly..my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned me over
and said.. "Look...twins!"
And we were poor, too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to
play with!
